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Martian for President.: 1/19/2016 18:49:37


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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Ladies, gentlemen and others,

I am proud to announce that I, Martian D. Man, am running for President of the United Nations of the World.

For too long, this world has been in shambles. The Near East is the birthplace of Civilization, but continues to hold the title of the Graveyard of Empires and Civilization, as well. The majority of Syria has moved away from civil war and radical Caliphates, celebrities are dropping dead left and right, and North Korea is continuing to be the metaphorical class dunce of the world. Russia and America have again started their proxy war bullshit, genocide is happening in Africa everyday, the UN is the most useless thing to exist since the housefly, and who is fixing this mess? Is it the USA, who has effectively, if indirectly, destroyed what little stability that was in the Middle East? Is it Russia, fueling conflict in Ukraine for a port city? Is it Turkey, being a little c*nt towards Russia because of an airspace trespassing, even if Russia did deserve it? Or is it China, that really isn't doing much of anything aside from screwing itself over with child limitations and 4% arable land? No! This world needs a leader. It needs a real leader, who will do what must be done to better our experience on Earth. That leader's name is Martian.

As president of the world I would sort out this mess. First and foremost ISIS needs to die. There are two ways this could be handled. One way is to move out all civilians from Iraq and Syria, have Russia and America bomb those countries into oblivion (we can move historical sites out of the countries, as well). With ISIS caught in the bombing, we will then, as a world, rebuild the countries from the ground up, then put the civilians back in their countries, along with their historical sites. The problem with this, is that we don't have a way to remove historical sites from being destroyed, which brings us to our second option.
Our second option is to sacrifice North Korea to the aliens. This would create a friendly relationship with the aliens, what with them thinking we praise them as gods, and they will get rid of ISIS for us, using their highly advanced technology. With the sacrifice of North Korea, we place Supreme Leader in their ranks so he can steal their technology.

We have two problems: Global Warming causing the ice caps to melt, adding more and more sea level, and genocide in Africa. We can solve both problems in one move: divert the additional water onto Africa. This way, sea level remains constant, and genocide in Africa ends forever. We can get the aliens to move the pyramids and animals species to Siberia, which will be warm by then.

For some reason, Russia wants a city connected to the ocean. It is trying to bully its big sister Ukraine to giving it their port city. So instead of Russia fighting for one port city, let's dig canals EVERYWHERE in the country, so Russia never has that problem again.

China has a population and arable land problem. There is an easy way to solve this. Kill the sick, elderly, and unemployed, and use their remains as fertilizer.

Canadians do not like the Keystone pipeline idea, for whatever reason. So let's give the USA half of Canada. That way, Canada doesn't have to worry about the pipeline, because the land will no longer be Canada's.

Mexico has continued to be God's blind spot as it pumps out drugs, crime, and nothing good. To solve this problem will be expensive, but worth it. The US will help the Mexican government in hunting down the drug lords IS WHAT I WOULD SAY if the Mexican government wasn't being run by the drug lords themselves. No, the only way to eliminate Mexico's problems is to put Mexico out of its misery. We will do this by building a Death Star out of the moon with the technology that Gen. Numbnuts was acquired, but only give it about 20% of a Death Star's power, and name it "Nation Killer." We aim it at Mexico, and do away with it, after moving civilians out of Mexico, of course. We will then give the Mexicans the Southwest of the USA, and build a wall around them. Not to protect the US, but to protect New New Mexico from the US. Removing Mexico from the map could hinder the sinking of Africa, and in that case, we will send any survivors from Africa to China as extra fertilizer.

One last problem I will address in this speech, is US foreign policy, especially in the Middle East. The US will maintain a military presence in the countries it shat on UNTIL those countries can fend for themselves. If worse comes to worse we can sacrifice Israelstine to the Aliens so they can help us again.

My vice will be Eklipse. Board of information will be Hitchslap and MGSB. Genghis comes with the title of President of the world. A Talking Fan will be in charge of hosting events throughout the world. Lolicon Love <3 will provide all with that borderline illegal goodness we all love deep down in our hearts. Kilos will be in charge of torture and interrogation. Jai will be the ambassador to the Aliens.

I hope you make the right and obvious choice and vote for Martian D. Man. Stay edgy and have a nice time.

Edited 1/19/2016 22:10:18
Martian for President.: 1/19/2016 22:08:02


Genghis 
Level 52
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Read this on the toilet. Had an incredible bowel movement.

So yes, I'll endorse Candidate Martian as he has been proven to release more bowel tension than any other product seen yet.
Martian for President.: 1/19/2016 22:38:56


SirSalty
Level 49
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I'll be voting for Shrek.
Martian for President.: 1/19/2016 23:07:52


[AOE] JaiBharat909
Level 56
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What's his position on India??

This is a wedge issue for me.
Martian for President.: 1/19/2016 23:24:24


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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I don't know about Shrek, but as President I would let India have any disputed land there is between India and Pakistan. India has a lot more people, and not a lot of room, so it makes sense. If pakistan refuses this action, then the Indians will be granted space on the Nation Killer, where food can be grown in full, thanks to the technology Gen. Numbnuts would obtain for us.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 00:59:58


[AOE] JaiBharat909
Level 56
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You have my vote...easily.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 02:07:54


GeneralPE
Level 56
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I feel like he could actually get votes in a real election.....scary
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 02:17:45


Eklipse {TJC}
Level 56
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I happily accept the position of VP, This will be an administration that actually gets things done.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 02:25:30


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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I feel like he could actually get votes in a real election.....scary


Does this mean I don't have your vote :( ?
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 02:33:36


[AOE] JaiBharat909
Level 56
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Jai will be the ambassador to the Aliens.

Just noticed this lol. Is this a euphemism for alien food?
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 02:39:21


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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Just noticed this lol. Is this a euphemism for alien food?

No. You are American, and aliens are associated with the USA especially, so that's what I was getting at.

EDIT: There's enough N. Koreans, Africans, and Chinese for the aliens.

Edited 1/20/2016 02:39:55
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 04:48:24


Empire of Kilos
Level 31
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Me head of Torture and Interrogation? You have my vote.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 06:22:41


Lord of Turnips
Level 57
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I'll vote for you if I can be the member for turnips and if you allow Indonesians to be morrally allowed to eat orangutangs, because so much meat is going to waste from them cutting down the rainforests to build farms and leaving the poor creatures too die.

Edited 1/20/2016 06:28:46
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 07:30:11


Zephyrum 
Level 60
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That's a 10/10. You have my support, my vote, my funding and my heart.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 15:11:01


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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Our international anthem will be "Marukaite Chikyuu" from Hetalia. There will be no negotiating this topic.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 16:26:44


Empire of Kilos
Level 31
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Sir, which Countries version?
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 16:41:18


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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All of them at once.
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 16:47:12


GeneralPE
Level 56
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I assume that like all anthems, all verses except the first will consist of "na's" sung repeatedly?
Martian for President.: 1/20/2016 16:48:51


Lukku
Level 55
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Sounds good
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 02:12:27


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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As president of the world, I will make sure that Japan never suffers from a monster tsunami again. Everyone knows that there are two ways to avoid a tsunami: move inland, or move out to sea. Since Japan is made of five or so landmasses, I don't see how we could move it inland; even if we did, China probably won't be happy, and they might get raped again.
Therefore, we must push Japan out to sea. We will do so using the water itself, and the Nation Killer that has been made from the moon. Everyone knows that the moon controls the currents, so we will move the Nation Killer back and forth until the water picks up Japan and pulls it out to sea.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 06:24:28


Conquerre II
Level 52
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Very good ideas.

I do see a problem in the planning of the destruction of Mexico, for we will need a new source of tequila.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 14:28:58


Gen. NumbNuts
Level 48
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How do you stand on USA relations with North Korea?
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:07:08


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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How do you stand on USA relations with North Korea?


Our second option is to sacrifice North Korea to the aliens. This would create a friendly relationship with the aliens, what with them thinking we praise them as gods, and they will get rid of ISIS for us, using their highly advanced technology. With the sacrifice of North Korea, we place Supreme Leader in their ranks so he can steal their technology.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:10:54


Major General Smedley Butler
Level 49
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Martian is just a foriegn ruler trying to get elected so the Aliens can puppet Earth.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:12:16


Empire of Kilos
Level 31
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Don't you talk smack about our great President!
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:12:21


The Man Who'd Buy Spain
Level 29
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My half brother's father is an alien, but he was born to our mother on Earth. He is perfectly legal.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:14:42


Major General Smedley Butler
Level 49
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And? He's still of Marsburg origin, the ruling family of Mars.
Martian for President.: 1/22/2016 15:45:39


Gen. NumbNuts
Level 48
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Our second option is to sacrifice North Korea to the aliens. This would create a friendly relationship with the aliens, what with them thinking we praise them as gods, and they will get rid of ISIS for us, using their highly advanced technology. With the sacrifice of North Korea, we place Supreme Leader in their ranks so he can steal their technology.


I had high hopes for you as president but it seems you'll suck more balls than Trump and his idea of a Great America. I would have voted for you Martian. You could have had the most valuable vote of them all but you squandered the opportunity for a marvelous ally of a nation. Shame.
Martian for President.: 1/29/2016 21:07:23


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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One course of action that takes precedent over all else is not political. There exists in this world paintings. These paintings are special paintings whose eyes follow you wherever you walk. These need to be burned ASAP.
Posts 1 - 29 of 29   

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