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News of March 15: 3/17/2016 04:48:43

Level 55
Hello, more news of the 15th of March, in the year of our lord, 2016.

First off, we have the EU stopping sending money to Burundi. Well, frankly, they've been running out of money themselves, in the EU, so you know, you can't really blame 'em too much. I mean, look what happened this year, the EU lost 1 money: The Lithuanian Litas. They stretched out the Euro to Lithuania, but it stretches like a balloon: it will either end with some y'know, common sense like the UKIP, last bastion of Europe, here, and they're getting battered by the Conserves and Workers. You know, Britain is the only country of the EU that does not have to eventually convert to the Euro (like Poland, Romania, and Sweden do) or have its currency tied to the EURO with strict rules (like Danmark). Now, I think Denmark needs something like an UKIP, there, since they actually don't have to keep their currency tied to it, and then Britain will get it's own union with Danmark, maybe add Danmark to Scotland and make Scotmark an actually think. What will Scottish folk have to complain about, with their "devolution" and all that, when they get their population and money more than doubled (Scotland: 5,300,000 with 32,200 £ (45,900 $) average; Danmark: 5,700,000 with 342,000 DKK (51,400 $) average). And y'know, last time, I was for sawing Scotland apart from Britain, this time, I'm proposing a new answer to our problems: sawing off Danmark from the Jutland penninsula. You know, no, I got an even better answer. We saw off the Jutland penninsula, that's right, Germany, we're taking Kiel and Lübeck, too, and we'll attach it to North Ireland and Scotland, making it a bridge, and it will totally make North Ireland not an imperialist neo-colony costing thousands of lives. As for a good name, for North Ireland, Jutland-Danmark, and Scotland, well, the capital borough of North Ireland is Londonderry, or London' for short (members of the anti-British league (who live in the British isles, incidentally) will call it 'Derry for short, or some Irish celtic name noone's heard of, like Ulsterburgh), so we got London to work with, umm, as for Jutland-Denmark, let's call that Jutmark, and as for Scotland, well, you're just perfect as is. So, for combining it, we got Jutmarklandon. We got the Jutland, Danmark, Scotland, and London'. Great!

Anyhow, the technic phrse is "I digress", and though I love the Federal Polytechnic University at Zürich, that's just not for me. Not even monotechnic, I don't see at all how I could be polytechnic. Anyhow, so what I say is "f--- technology", and we'll find the Antitechnic Super School at Asmara. What is antitechnology? Well, a chair is technology, so we hate Chairmen, naturally, and institutions that support chairmen, so naturally, we have a "China sucks" class. If you've ever read "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy", by D. Adams, you'll know that the Earth is just technology to find the ultimate frain to "life, the universe and everything", so we hate environmentalists, too. We call that class "Petrobrazil is great".

Anyhow, enough advertising of ASS at Asmara, time for the news. The EU suspended money help to Burundi, for grounds that the government had not done enough to end a conflict that has killed 400 since 2015, and they say that they will check in again in 6 months, though we know that's just trolling, the choice has already been made 6 months in advance. They've also put sanctions on the Burundian government's higher politic offices.

Burundi's capital borough is at Bujumbura (500,000 population), which has to be one of the best capital borough names today. I mean, Peiching, eh; New Delhi, Washington, Brasilia, Tokyo, Moskva, these capital borough names just suck. But Bujumbura, that is a good name. Anyhow, Bujumbura is in west Burundi, on the shore of Lake Tanganyika, which is actually the second deepest lake in the world, after Lake Baikal. So you know, if you lost your goggles in either of those lakes, yeah, good luck trying to get them back. Burundi is a good place to go if you want to get rid of some goggles, but that's it. It's a very bad site to go, otherwise.

For a capital borough with such a fun name, there's been loads of violence in it since 2015, when president Pierre Nkurunziza (gg trying to pronounce that) announced he was running for a third time. Since then, there have been several violent protests and a failed military overthrow of the government. 250,000 Burundians (1 in every 50) have fled to neighbouring countries, like Tanzania and Uganda.

Now, the EU was expected to give 432 million € (480 million $) to Burundi over 6 years (2014 to 2020), and it was mainly to invest in project in energy, developing backwater sites in the country, public spending, health, and justice reform. And now, the EU just cowardly chose that since about 400 folk violently died since 2014, it's going to send nothing, at the time when it needs the most. I mean, frankly! This is a disgusting action on the EU's part, just to save everything that they can get. Now, in defence of the EU, Neven Mimica, the EU commissar for international cooperation and development said the current Burundian government is pretty bad, and they did say they were going to still give emergency and "basic services", which probably means sending food and medkits every once in a while, and not through organised government channels. But this is pitiful help. It's better than none, but very cowardly and pitiful.

Federica Mogherini, the EU high reprentor for foreign deals and security dealings, said that there were "glimpses of hope", and she said this: "The action we are seeking is achievable with will and determination: it builds on measures and processes already set in motion by the African Union, the East African Community and the United Nations. In particular, we believe it can support the inter-Burundian dialogue mediated by the East African Community which is key to finding a durable political solution to the crisis". Basically, she said "If the flipping Burundian government would listen to us, then we'd actually be getting somewhere, you bloody s---heads.". But they are; the Burundian government was willing to compromise in order to still be eligible for the money, but the EU just ignored them, as it actually allows itself to, under the Cotonou agreement, which basically sets minimal human rights standards for the countries that it deals with, and if these standards have at all been broken, EU can just cover it's ears and say "Nope, nope, not listening, this one thing happened, and it happened, so not listening, la la, it happened!". And that's ok if you're 6 years old, but not if you're some 60 year old oldocracy.

Now, the Burundian government said that this choice will not stop Burundi; Burundi's cogs and gears would keep working. "The EU aid cut doesn’t mean the government will stop functioning. There is a way of living otherwise; the government will continue running.", Alain Nyamitwe (only pronunciation noobs can't pronounce his name), Burundi's foreign minister, said. But would it, though? I think this is just more brave bark than a weak bite. UNICEF warns that violence, hunger, and illness are pushing Burundi to outbreak of a civil war. and for the EU, which was planning to fund more than half of Burundi's health budget, this is an awful misdeed. The UNICEF also criticised the EU on stopping funds to Burundi and began to replace the lost money with its own funds.

Burundi ranks as hungriest country in the UNICEF hunger index, and the UN High Commissar for Human Rights, Zeid Hussein, also warns of a major crisis in Burundi. He says the UN Human Rights Office is dealing with bulk gang rapes, disappearances, and mysterious graves in Burundi linked to heavy fighting in Bujumbura in December.

So if you're in Bruxelles or Strasbourg this Thursday, spit on the EU building. Or go the Pavlensky way: burn down their front doors (Pyotr Pavlensky was a, let's say, "politic activist" in Russia. He is known for doing three things: literally sewing his lips together with some wire (as a metaphor for Russia's curbing of free speech), literally nailing his penis balls to the Red Square in Moskva (as a metaphor for the Russian folk's apathy towards the Russian Government, and "attachment" to the government), and setting the front doors of the FSS (Russian NSA) headquarters on fire, also in Moskva, for which, he was not just gaoled, but put in a nutter house (yet the biased Human Rights Watch somehow managed to criticise Russia for putting a man who nailed his penis balls to the Red Square into a nutter house, and "coming back to the old Soviet practice of putting dissidents into mental hospitals". God darn, how can you defend that?)).

Edited 3/17/2016 05:37:29
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 04:49:33

Level 55
Next, we have more difficult names for fun names for you to pronounce. Htin Kyaw. He's Myanmar's first civilian leader since 1960. He represents the National League for Democracy (NLD), a liberal party. Although, noone voted for Htin Kyaw, they voted for Aung Kyi. Now, you may not recall who Aung Kyi is. She was gaoled by the military forces in 1990 for winning the election. Now, you know, I can't help but be reminded of the Greek election in 1862, after they overthrew King Otto. Most didn't want a republic, but just a king who didn't royally suck. Now, the overwhelming amount (roughly 230,000/240,000) of votes in the election went to Prince Alfred, son of Victoria of Britain. Some 1,800 votes went to Aleksandr II of Russia, and some 300 went to Prince Bonaparte (son of Jérôme Bonaparte, Napoléon Bonaparte's youngest brother who got to rule Westfalen - Napoléon Bonaparte is the best big brother ever). But you know what? None of these candidates were elected, they were all ineligible. The candidate could not be from Russian, French, or British Royal Families, and so these three countries, they just chose for Greece, and no, they didn't choose the most elected eligible candidate, nope. Sorry, Bonaparte (who was eligible), they chose prince Vilhelm of Danmark who got a whopping 6/240,000 votes. 6, that's less fingers than Yeltsin has. He was the 17th most voted candidate, out of 27. Same situation in Myanmar today, apparently - you don't want to be the most voted, otherwise you're definitely not going to become ruler.

Anyhow, today, Aung Kyi is saying that basically Htin Kyaw will be her proxy for ruling. Kyi can't rule, as the constitution forbids rulers to have a foreign nationality spouse or children, in which she did (a dead British husband, and two British children). But she just says "faff that", puts her sunglasses on, and says "We're loopholing this sucker.". And that kind of spirit is why she was given a Nobel Peace Prize in 1991, while in gaol. Now, maybe it was kind of a bad choice to give her the Nobel Peace Prize, as she was kind of, hmm, what's the technic phrase, I don't know, I went to ASS. Oh, I got it, "weak sauce". That's what they taught us to say in ASS. I'm an ASS graduate, did I say that yet? I'm an ASS, and I'm proud of it.

Anyhow, what she did "weak sauce" was to whine like a little crybaby to the army chief, Min Hliang (ooh, this one's hard, Htin I can handle, Hliang is harder) about changing the constitution so that she can be greedy and rule for herself. Well, Hliang said no, even though he had to go through months of "but please? but p-p-please? i want to be prezzy so bad!". Maybe Hliang should be given the 2016 Nobel Peace Prize for not "losing his s---" (another phrase they taught us at ASS) over such a crybaby that's probably going to put him out of a job. Anyhow, the other candidates who have no chance of winning is Henry Yu, also part of the NLD, and Myint Swe (cool first name, only noobs lose the pronunciation game here), who is an independent former military commander, and blacklisted by the American government. Anyhow currently, he is the chief minister of Rankun site, with 7 million folk, on the south shore of Myanmar. Now, NLD isn't perfect. They say that Muslims can not be candidates for the NLD, although most of it is just not to anger conservative Buddhists in the country, and Myanmar actually officially has Buddhism as a theode faith. They're refused to give comment about the Bengali-Muslim persecution in east Myanmar by the extremists, and maybe it's for the best. We don't want the Buddhists to...I don't know...bend spoons into assault rifles and go on an attack to Nyapitapyw (whatever that capital borough is called).

Next, we have that the Argentinan Shore Guard sank a Chinese fishing boat. What happened was that the Argentinan Shore Guard said "k lets board your ship" and the Chinese trawler said "fuk no" and started running, er, swimming away, and a few times did some xpert level tacts like suddenly stopping, and almost setting the Argentinan ship onto a collision course "yeah, if you touch me you gonna sink like a little anchor" and so Argentinan ship eventually had "i had enough of this bllsht" and shot the fishing boat up, sinking it. 4 of the boat's folk were saved by the Shore Guard, the others were saved by a nearby Chinese ship "u hurt my clanmate...u gonna get my clans rath" and then Argentina said "1v1 me, u bich" but the other Chinese ship left.

Now, that has to be one of the best Call of Duty: Modern Seafare 3 matches I've seen, I mean, frankly. Anyhow, you know how they say "Dig to China"? Well, in Argentina, they just did do that, those arses. They started in the ocean of course, which gave them a 10 km headstart or so, and tunneled to the South Chinese Sea, and they on that tunnel, put a great big vacuum cleaner on it, and turned it on high power. You ever wondered how that all the fountains and waterfalls in South America are powered, it's through the vacuum cleaner spitting all that water out. Anyhow, they eventually sucked up a Chinese fishing ship, two, actually, and then just pretended like they came out of nowhere. Hello! Argentina doesn't even border the same ocean China does. But if somehow, Argentina doesn't have a great big underwater vacuum cleaner, then it's the Chinese who we need to say "Ninhao! You don't even border the Atlantic Ocean! How the f--- did you manage to get lost this badly, you pitiful suckers!?".

Now, in more context, Mauricio Marci is Argentina's current president, and he's part of the Let's Change politic group, centre-right. He's so far been a little bit tasty with China. He said that he's going to go on with all the contracts the last president, Cristina Kirchner (centre-left) had with China, but he hasn't really renewed them or is showing signs that he will. One of these plans involved having China help Argentina built 2 nuclear power plants, worth about 97,000 million 元 (15,000 million $). Seems like he's resisting the Chinese economic invasion of South America, but frankly, there is no resisting invasion, he just has 3 choices: Chinese, American, or Brazilian. And you know, if this were a video game, the three achievements: "The Communist" "The Capitalist" "The Futebol".

Next, in the sciences, we have two major things that happened. (Sir; he's knight in Britain) Andrew Wiles earns the Abel Prize for proving Fermat's Last Theorem in 1994. It actually took him 7 years to make the proof of it, and his proof is 150 pages long. But he waxes lyrically on how he had an epiphany one day, and that day, he saw the "very pretty proof". Anyhow, for those who don't like anything but polit, the Abel Prize is basically the Nobel Prize for mathetmatic achievements. It comes with a 6,000,000 NOK (700,000 $) prize. Also, Pierre Fermat's Last Theorem, "postulated" in 1637: "For [(A^X)+(B^X) = C^X], no integer above 2 would fit there." You know, I can understand if you're pretty bored by this if you're not really a mathematic bloke, but you gotto agree, Fermat's Last Theorem is a pretty cool name.

Also, in the sciences, a new report finds fairy circles to be made by the grasses themselves. What is a fairy circle? They're basically odd circular patches or bare ground surrounded by grass in arid sites, mainly in Australia and Namibia. They grow in dry weather and shrink in wet weather. Folk theories include that they are the footsteps of gods, or that they are patches caused by radioactivity. But the main two scientific theories up to his point was that the insects just naturally hive mind it, and eat up all the grass that tries to grow in a certain spot, so that they would have more water to themselves. The other (more experimentally supported) theory is that these places are basically where the roots of the plants meet, and basically make the patch unsuitable for any plants to grow, as they steal all the water away.

Back to polit. There are rumours that Abu the Chechen, a major military leader and Kavkazian recruiter of the Mashriq, was killed March 4 by an airstrike, mostly these rumours are believed by American and Iraqi news agencies. Anyhow, if he really is dead, let's see what he did in his life, then, and hope Obama comes to his burying (I mean, really, why on Earth would you go to your foe's burying? Obama is obviously not going to N. Raegan's or Scalieri's buryings).

Abu the Chechen was born in 1986, originally named Tarkhan Batirashvili (how about this name, eh? Georgian naming can't compete with Burundian or Myanmaran naming). He was born from a Sunni mother whose family moved from Chechnya to Georgia in the 1800s, and to a Orthodox father. He obviously liked his mother's side better. According to his father, he helped fight against Russia in the Second Chechen War. He later became a Georgian sergeant and fought Russia again in the Russian-Georgian war. After that, he was sent out of the military forces for getting tuberculosis, and his mother died about the same time, in 2010. He became "very disillusioned" then (father's words), and not long after became arrested for hoarding illegal weapons. In prison, he chose that as soon he got out, he would help Islamist Chechens elsewhere, and when he did a few years later, he went to Istanbul to meet with the Chechens there. And from that point, that started his militant Sunnism job, which ended with his death on March 4.

And now, a time for happiness! Russian military forces in Syria begin to pull out! In lookback, this seems to have been a testing grounds for some new Russian weapons. Part of a leaked NATO report said that the Russian Air Force was "efficient and accurate". Don't forget to put anti-Russian propoganda next time in your secret reports, NATO! Ha, it's a good day, though NATO and Iran are still there, doing no good. Though many anti-humanitarian things have happened today, this is one humanitarian thing today. +1000.

Edited 3/17/2016 05:31:42
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 04:49:52

Level 55
And I want to keep this streak going, so this is why I saved this last in major news. Here it is: The Dutch parliament has voted for an arms embargo on Arabia. It cites Arabian human rights violations as the grounds. I just clap for Russia and Holland today, they have been absolutely wonderful countries on this day with this rare humanitarianism. Yeah, the EU passed a like vote in February, but it's not binding, and most of the EU is still selling guns to Arabia. Holland actually was restrictive about selling guns to Arabia since 2008, for much the same grounds.

The only sad thing about the Dutch arms embargo, though, is that...there are no Dutch arms. From 2001 to 2010, 10 years, 38 million € (43 million $) worth of arms went from Holland to Arabia...not too much. Just to put it in the big outlook, the EU spends 330 million € each year just on translation.

And time for the minor news.

*Wouldn't you like it if 6 votes was all it took for you to get elected in America? Gary Johnson for president.
*Arabian airstrike kills 41 and hurts 75 in northwest Yemen. Figures are from the site's governmental health minister.
*Nigerien (not -ian) opposition politic group leader temporarily freed from gaol on health grounds.
*UKIP and other British parliament members fear that they will be irked when Obama likely talks against Brexit in his next visit to Britain, in April. They say it violates "international sovereignty", but really, they're just using these buzz words to advance their position. Would it be violating international sovereignty if David Cameron went to America and supported Sander's health care? No, it'd just be a foreign opinion...wait, Americans, British, am I violating your international sovereignty now with a Kazakh opinion? Oh, I am so sorry, but you know, I'm an ASS, they didn't teach me these things.
*American eliminary elections: Florida, Illinois, Ohio, Missouri, North Carolina, and North Mariana hold Democratic and Republican eliminary elections.
*Richard Burr, a Republican American senator, could not vote, since his identification was stolen. Ironically, he is the one who controversially wanted voter ID laws in North Carolina, the state in which he is a senator in. He must be so angry at himself, right now.
*Marco Rubio tries to make it out like there was an assassination try on his team in Washington since some nontoxic white powder (not any kind of drug, either) was sent there. He probably just sent it to himself anyway, to try and make his ideas seem like he was "hunted" by the folk who hate him, and that he has a chance at winning, and that his ideas were "dangerous", but really, he just looks like a stupidhat. He later quit, as this had no major effect.
*A Kuwaiti Dinar is the strongest currency there is, contrary to belief. Not the most stable, just strongest. A Kuwaiti Dinar is worth: 21.65 元; 223.7 ₹; 3.32 $. Kuwaiti economic dominance is seen too much. I mean, 3.32x more economic power than the American dollar, Kuwait next superpower.
*In a military exercise in Ecuador, an army plane crashes, killing 22 soldiers. Just sad, how much death there is.
*A fire in Sterlitamak, Başqortostan (120 km downstream from Ufa) kills 12 in an addiction reknacking site. Röstäm Khämitov, Başqortostan's Head, criticised the unsafe settings at the site, like iron bars on windows, and only one exit in the building. An investigation is going on to find out who is responsible for this unsafe building.

That's it for the news, now here are the sources if you want to read more. Also, if you want to help in this project, but a bigger version, let me know, I need some help with that. I want folk who can make or find relevant but a little funny pictures (or perhaps their own funny caption), editors, and possibly other writers. My next project is a big writeup on what happened Winter (October 1 to December 31) 2015. Please tell me if interested, here or by PM.

And now the sources, read by the 1%. Not by the richest 1%, nor by the smartest 1%, just the 1% who have the most time on their hands.

15154 characters over the limit if this was one post, woo-hoo for, hmm, "longevity" (this isn't something they taught us in ASS, this is more ZFPTU).
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 05:02:25

Major General Smedley Butler
Level 49
Well this gave me a good chuckle.

If America was like Greece , Gary Johnson would be president. If Sanders gets elected he'll make America like Greece.
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 05:08:10

Level 60
And now the sources, read by the 1%. Not by the richest 1%, nor by the smartest 1%, just the 1% who have the most time on their hands.

Perfectly put. Perfectly freaking put.
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 05:10:10

Level 52
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 10:10:42

Level 56
I don't think there'll be enough reader to even have a 1%. Warlight forums are not reader-friendly. It is horribly painful to read post this long. I hope warlight isn't the only place where you posted this, because otherwise it was probably a big waste of time
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 10:13:04

[WOLF] Colonel H Cardwell
Level 49
Although UKIP can claim most of the responsibility for providing the political atmosphere for the EU referendum, the fight is now non-partisan.

GO, the campaign front for Brexit, is headed by Nigel Farage and George Galloway!
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 13:51:15

[AOE] JaiBharat909
Level 56
Marco Rubio tries to make it out like there was an assassination try on his team in Washington since some nontoxic white powder (not any kind of drug, either) was sent there. He probably just sent it to himself anyway, to try and make his ideas seem like he was "hunted" by the folk who hate him, and that he has a chance at winning, and that his ideas were "dangerous", but really, he just looks like a stupidhat. He later quit, as this had no major effect.

lol this was golden hahah^
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 18:00:39

Level 55
Warlight forums are not reader-friendly. It is horribly painful to read post this long. I hope warlight isn't the only place where you posted this, because otherwise it was probably a big waste of time

Yeah, I get that, frankly, the ideality (why I said wanted some volunteers for Winter 2015) is to have something like In Front of the Macroscope (; maybe I should just keep on with that one instead, as it takes less time, but more creativity.
News of March 15: 3/17/2016 22:12:23

Major General Smedley Butler
Level 49
I really like these
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