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Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 20:54:30


Melisandre (the Red Woman)
Level 5
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAAp_luluo0

JRR won I think, even though I like GoT better.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:01:57


Angry Frog
Level 7
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It was weak tbh.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:04:11


Zephyrum 
Level 60
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"Epic RAPE Battles"
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:08:22


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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I think Tolkien's ending was a tad weak, but he won overall. The last strictly 1v1 ERB, Caesar vs Shaka, was much better, and one of the best raps they've made, imo.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:16:15


DomCobb
Level 45
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"Epic RAPE Battles"

Good work with that title...
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:20:16


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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SEEAAAASOOOONNNN FIIIIIVVVEEEE!!!
Love ERB. Once tried to memorise every one. Ended quite badly.

Verse 1 goes to Tolkien
Verse 2 goes to Martin
Verse 3 goes to Tolkien

Biggest burn: "C.S. Lewis and I were just discussing, how you and Jon Snow... BOTH KNOW NOTHING!" ~ Tolkien

Yup, JRR won imo.

@Martian Shaka vs Caesar is brilliant. I thought Shaka had it by the end of his 2nd verse but Caesar fucking DESTROYED Shaka in his 2nd xD


This one was mediocre, but it wasn't weak. ;) a good way to start a season.

Edited 5/3/2016 21:20:57
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:37:56


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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@Ox

"Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit talker
Doc J dunk on ya like BOOMShakalaka!"

My personal favorite line.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 21:59:09


Angry Frog
Level 7
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Einstein vs Stephen Hawking or Edison vs Tesla are the best 1v1s.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 23:01:53


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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Imo Einstein v Hawking was quite weak, even for one of the first ones (some real underrated killers in series 1 but also some of the weakest like Khan v Bunny) and Tesla destroyed Edison too much for it to be fair xD

Lance Armstrong v Babe Ruth / Shakespeare v Dr Seuss are my favourites.

Poe v King is also good, but they ripped the exact same formula from Shakespeare v Seuss so it just felt like new lyrics from the same cut; although the cut was high quality.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/3/2016 23:03:50


Angry Frog
Level 7
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I've got to give props to Jack the Ripper vs Hannibal Lecter. Dan bull was great.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/4/2016 01:47:53


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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Martian's favorite (strictly) 1v1s:

Julius Caesar vs Shaka Zulu
Winner: Caesar, even if Shaka had some good runs.

Zeus vs Thor
Winner: Thor. The jab at Greece's GDP, mixed with all-round smooth flow was great. Zeus wasn't bad, either.

George Washington vs William Wallace
Winner: Wallace. Wallace destroyed Washington with his first verse, but Washington was just fun to watch and had my favorite line: "Cockblocked more Scots than Hadrian's Wall."

Stephen King vs Edgar Allan Poe
Winner: King. Poe could rap faster, but King was brutal af. I liked all the references to both English poetic structure and the writings of the two people. If it's any consolation, I like the real Poe's work more than the real King's. "The Raven" is fuckin' deep, man.

Bob Ross vs Pablo Picasso
Winner: Bob Ross. If you aren't an American, you probably don't know who he is. He's a boss. A soothsaying veteran with an afro who can paint the real world onto a canvas. Besides that, his verses were just better.

Babe Ruth vs Lance Armstrong
Winner: Armstrong. "You'll be nothing but a skeleton, messin' with the fellow in yellow who will be pedalin' like hell up in the Pelatin." Talk about burning rubber.

Michael Jackson vs Elvis Presley
Winner: Michael Jackson. I'm counting their personas as one person. Jackson was just better, although that "I died on the shitter but I don't give a crap" was very clever.

Abe Lincoln vs Chuck Norris
Winner: Abe Lincoln. Chuck Norris's rap relied solely on his jokes, building himself up to be a badass. He never went to strike at Abe much. Abe was great. The way he ended his first verse had me going back to memorize that.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/5/2016 22:29:02


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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Oh, Martian did that. I have to do it too xD

My favourites:

Babe Ruth vs Lance Armstrong
Winner: Babe Ruth I actually disagree with Martian. They were both so solid, which makes it such a good battle, but I think Babe took it over Lance. Their 2nd verses were undoubtedly the best, but Babe's second verse, especially the part from "It may be too soon but I'm calling my shot" all the way to "You got lost and forgot what real sportsmanship was!" is executed so well (not just the lyrics), so I love this one.

Shakespeare vs Dr Seuss
Winner: Shakespeare. Seuss' first verse was good, but the amount of Shakespeare references, as well as the best verse *EVER* in ERB makes me pick Shakespeare.

Rasputin / Stalin / Lenin / Gorbachev / Putin
1st: Gorbachev 2nd: Lenin 3rd: Stalin 4th: Rasputin 5th: Putin
The verses kept getting better and better. They're almost all fantastic, but the Putin verse was a let-down. Gorbachev took it for me, because they took a risk - it's not a typical type of verse they do, but I *loved* the way it was executed, and his lines were fantastic. Just anticlimactic :(

Stephen King vs Edgar Allen Poe
Winner: King. Agreed with Martian. It is very similar to the original literary rap, but the fast-rapper lost this time. I can't count King's amount of references on both my hands, he was so good, and his burns were fantastic. His verses were more structured, and poetic (+1 martian), but Poe's second verse was strong.

Hitler vs Vader 2
Winner: Hitler. In the epic trilogy, Vader wins twice, and Hitler wins once, but I give II to Hitler. The music is great in this one. Vader's first verse was OK (not as best as his one in I). "Lightsaber? You need a live saver! Use some of your force to fix your fucking respirator!" is perhaps one of the best lines in ERB I think. Only thing it really lacked were more verses. It felt so short.

Zeus vs Thor
+1 everything Martian said.

Trump / Scrooge / Morgan / Kanye / Death
1st: Death 2nd: Scrooge 3rd: Morgan 4th: Trump 5th: Kanye
Death blew everything out of the water. Scrooge got lots of time to rap, so he got a lot in, but his stuff was generally good. Morgan had a good structure and rhythm, but wasn't as brutal as Death or Scrooge. Trump was a good opener, but over time he just got shadowed by the other guys. Kanye's verse admittedly was very bad and lets this good rap down.


Deadpool vs Boba was also good. Boba Fett won xD

Edited 5/5/2016 22:29:12
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/5/2016 23:00:31


Angry Frog
Level 7
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Babe Ruth vs Lance Armstrong

Got to agree with Ox here, Babe Ruth knocked him out of the park (cringeworthy). By the last verse Babe Ruth was already swinging too many blows at Lance it seemed like a landslide.

Blackbeard Vs Al Capone

How come you guys forgot about this classic. The battle of the outlaws. It was a closely contented one in my opinion, with both sides having great lines and strong verses. Lines from Blackbeard such as " I'm an irate pirate, real swash-buckling buccaneer" gave him a great play on words and really gave it and effect. But Al Capone stole the show with lines such as "You ain't a tough guy, my kids dress up like you for Halloween". But perhaps the best line in Erb history gave Blackbeard his final nail in the coffin. "I mean that rat nest beard trapped so many crumbs, this bum could get marooned and still eat lunch for a month".

Michael Jordan vs Muhammed Ali

Another spectacular battle which portrayed so many emotions and low blows that made me love it so much. Muhammed Ali's lines about Jordan's sports career was great with blows like " Your whole basketball career went whack when you came back a wizard like Gandolf the black. You should of kept your ugly sneakers packed up on the shelf, keep to golf and you can keep the ball to yourself. But Muhammad Ali was in constant recovery of Jordan's 1st killer line "Why don't you dodge this battle like you did Vietnam". Absolutely amazing.

Einstien vs Stephen Hawking
Last but not least the battle that defined the series as the two heavyweights of science come up face to face. It showed the power of ERB with the depth they wasn't afraid to go to. Einstein was brutal. I feel he crushed Hawking with the chair jokes. " When I apply my battle theory, minds are relatively blown. So take a seat Steve, oh i see you brought your own". Or " I'm the shoulders you would've stood on if you could stand, I'll give you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand". Although Hawking did bring it back with the particles line. Einstein won.

Edited 5/5/2016 23:06:14
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/6/2016 01:00:24


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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Martian's view on the 5-man ffas:

Russian rulers:

Every one of these guys were great. Rasputin started it off well. "And the history books unfold ya as a messed up motherfucker bent in the mind who built a superpower but he paid the price..."
Stalin's ending verses whooped ass. "Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler."
Lenin is my personal favorite. His verse started off a bit on the slow side, throwing in references, but then he gets to "...Have brought me here to spit a thesis against BOTH OF YOUR ASSES," and he goes ham, throwing personal jabs laced with references at both leaders.
Gorbachev's verse was hilarious and my second favorite. I agree with Ox, his verse was out of the ordinary, maybe because Gorby is out of the ordinary, but it was great. However, it was too short.
Putin's image alone had me laughing my ass off at the screen. Nice Peter, shirtless, with a fur hat. His ending was killer.

Martian's Winner: Lenin.

The Christmas Carol:

Donald Trump's verse was a great starter pack. "Wake up, Scrooge" had my undivided attention. "Dickens of a dump" was clever. I especially like, "You remind me of my ex-wife in a bikini, cause you disgust me."
Scrooge was the weakest because his verse was so spread out and had only a couple bars to reply to each other character.
I love J.P. Morgan's reference to Monopoly. "Who's properly rockin' the Monopoly mustache" is second favorite run of words in this rap.
Kanye sucked. Second worst rap in the battle.
Death takes it for me. "Alone by yourself on the bed of your death with the stench of regret on your last dying breath," is by far the best run in the battle, and one of the best runs in the whole series.

Martian's Winner: Death.

Hollywood Directors:

Some of you may not get many of these references, as this is one of the raps they have where everyone is associated with the US, but since it's Hollywood, you may get more than I think.

Spielberg. I love it. SO. MANY. REFERENCES. His verse is just so smooth. The buildup in the beginning gets you pumped. Very well-done. His Michael Bay jab is, "You rock as many Oscars as that schlep Michael Bay."
Hitchcock's verse was great, too. "Half your billions should go to John Williams." Ouch. "Fish puppets and muppets to stir the fears up. I squeeze screams out of chocolate syrup." Brilliant. His Michael Bay jab is, "You're more horrible than Megan Fox's acting in Transformers."
Tarantino's verse was great, too. He was more personal than anything. He might have the best verse. I won't quote much, because I would have to quote the whole thing. His Michael Bay jab is, "It looked like some sellout bullshit Michael Bay would do."
Kubrick's was good, but I think it fell flat in comparison to the rest of them. "Drop ultraviolet rhymes like Clockwork! Make you all hurt! Beat Spielberg the color Purple." That was nice. His Michael Bay jab is, "AI was the worst waste of potential since the Ninja Turtles!"
Michael Bay: "MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY!"

Martian's Favorite: Michael Bay
Martian's Winner: Quentin Tarantino
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/6/2016 01:36:36


The Man Who'd Buy Spain
Level 29
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^What a nolife.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/18/2016 23:09:53


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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Firstly, I also did like Al Capone vs Blackbeard. It's very good and it grows :)

Spielberg's verse was fantastic. It had great flow to it, and his calm-to-roast build up was great. It's a great verse, but for me it got even better with Hitchcock's. I'm not entirely sure what took it for me. He's just fucking hilarious in all ways of the word, when he's portrayed here. Something that usually doesn't impact my opinion: the dancing, actually influenced me a lot here. Ox's winner: Alfred. Tarantino's verse was also great, but I don't think it can compare on a burn-level to Lenin's, when it came to roasting the initial 2 verses of the rap. However, his was very strong. Kubrick... kind of lost it for me. He killed the whole flow of the rap, and they kind of tried to do the thing they did with Gorbachev, and change the tone of the rap a bit, but it wasn't executed that well. It got better by "Do another take and get it right" (HERE'S JOHNNY!). Michael Bay was hilarious as well, but the fact that every person had already ganged up on him before he had a chance to defend himself made his verse quite weak. Funny, but not on the same burn-level as any of the rest of them.

Imo, Hitchcock > Spielberg > Tarantino > Bay > Kubrick


Aaand, segue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99-n42Xb6NQ

Whaddaya think of this one? Found it hard to call at first. Ramsay's verses seem to be impossible to beat by her, but halfway each one of Julia's verses, she convinces me that her verse is better than his, but then I find it hard to compare, and he seems to be beating her again... A real confusing one, I think. Child's ending was quite anticlimactic honestly, but...

I'm a huge Gordon Ramsay fan in real life, but I actually think Julia Child took it over him. It's one of the hardest battles to tell out of all 5 seasons imo.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/18/2016 23:16:49


Genghis 
Level 52
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A big reason I agree with Ox on Hitchcock being the best is that "Close Encounter of the Turd Kind". I find it a pretty clever entendre, in literal to what happens in the video, and in the sense that he roasts one of Spielberg's classics at the same time. How I interpreted it at least.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/18/2016 23:25:32


Genghis 
Level 52
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The new ERB is nice. I'd considered the least Best compared to their other Best ones, but it's still one of the Best.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/18/2016 23:27:21


Welsh Knight
Level 59
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.

Edited 5/19/2016 00:44:28
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/19/2016 00:55:23


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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I like how Gordon Ramsay was portrayed, but I think Child won it. She was given a verse that allowed for more words to be strung to make better disses.

Personally I wouldn't call it one of the bests, but I'm not big on cooking shows to begin with. Perhaps it's just a preferential thing. It was certainly good, though. If you want bad, go watch Oprah vs Ellen.

Edited 5/19/2016 00:56:36
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/19/2016 15:42:44


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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I had to save this when I saw it xD



Lmao.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/19/2016 16:05:36


The Lord
Level 52
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Most epic rape battle of history: Mike Tyson vs Bill Clinton.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/19/2016 16:51:20


AjaxAmsterdam
Level 6
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^ huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue cuz billy is a wapist! did u all c twrump atakk him 4 b-ing a wapist?
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 5/31/2016 23:36:06


OxTheAutist 
Level 58
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Out to the other ERB nerds of this site.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-ZblMfZpuw

You also think this is one of their weakest ones yet? Went from Ramsay/Child, one of their strongest ones, to... whatever this is.

If I was forced to choose a winner, I'd go with Jefferson, but overall it had really bad flow, an annoying beat, and excessive white guilt. For Frederick, there was almost no variation in lines "YOU'RE RACIST" was the whole thing he said, basically. Contrarily, for Jefferson's verses, they tried to cram as many facts in as possible, which turned out horribly.

Not a fan of this one.
Epic Rape Battles of History: JRR vs GRR: 6/1/2016 01:55:20


Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
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See Ox, I am in complete disagreement with you. I disliked the flow of the previous battle entirely and it felt to me as if is was a jigsaw puzzle some 4 year old jumped on to try to get the pieces to fit in.

I liked the new one, although it can't be considered one of my favorites. Jefferson's first verse was killer, but his second verse was some weak white guilt-like shit? Douglass had some pretty good disses, but not once did he mention anything that he, specifically, has done. Nothing about speeches, nothing about where he spoke at, nothing about how he rallied Black people to go to war, none of it. I guess in that sense I agree with you.
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