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Posts 1 - 11 of 11   
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 02:06:01


Fluttershy
Level 49
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This was my final assignment for Creative Writing.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BlTC2Ffon7r3bduDCwK1eWWGiUa-K9_hoH8recgDFTQ/pub

Enjoy!
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 04:01:46


BUFFALO
Level 44
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Your name is Louisa.


Are the forums dead?
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 04:04:58


[REGL] Pooh 
Level 60
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Not bad for an ESL student.
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 04:10:03


FDR 
Level 46
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No
_______________________________

Is Buffalo stupid?
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 04:30:02


Жұқтыру
Level 55
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Not bad for an ESL student.


don't sugarcoat it, it was pretty bad, unless ESL means low-level or something.
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 04:54:38


Cata Cauda
Level 58
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Was actually enjoyable to read. Would like to see more!
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 06:23:24


Fluttershy
Level 49
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Well I'm happy to see that someone else found it enjoyable.
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 16:19:27

RobGodkin
Level 39
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what grade did u get?
i like your story you have a good imagination, keep going



hey everyone, can u go to this map, start a singleplayer game, surrender, and then rate it 1/5, thanks
https://www.warlight.net/Map/27392-Naval-Battle
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/14/2017 21:57:40


Lubbock
Level 35
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@Xpapy

ESL means a person is a non-native English speaker learning English, which this person is not, condering the trite expressions they use.

Edited 1/14/2017 22:03:54
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/15/2017 20:15:13


Fluttershy
Level 49
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what grade did u get?


I scored 200/200
Fractured Fairy Tale: 1/15/2017 20:35:59


Clint Eastwood 
Level 59
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It's not awful, but there is definitely a hell of a lot of room for improvement. For example, you went from "Once upon a time in a nuclear wasteland in the American West, there was a girl known for wearing all red from head to toe." Clearly, you're speaking about your main protagonist in third person. However, just a few lines lower, with absolutely no transition, comes this line: "I was screaming at the top of my lungs....." You need to choose past tense or present tense, first person or third person, and when you do, you need to stick with it.
Your punctuation could definitely use work as well. And, no offense, I'm just stating this from a factual point of view, the story is pretty cliche. You could use some work on that as well. And your transition; you go from telling a chilling story of a mysterious girl clothed in red to a crying, emotional mess of a girl in just a few lines. Far too fast of a transition.
One last tip: never, ever, begin a story with "Once upon a time," unless your target audience is a group of 7 year old girls.
Source: I'm a published author. I can give you a sample if you'd like, to see how I write.

Edited 1/15/2017 22:10:12
Posts 1 - 11 of 11   

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